Normaal ben ik een vrolijk persoon.

Als ik zo de naar de afgelopen periode kijk, doe ik het niet slecht. Ik ben veel bezig en ook gun ik me tijden van bezinning en verdriet. Dit verdriet is op sommige momenten erg hevig. Nu schijnt buiten de zon, gisteren ook en dan denk ik ook weer aan mijn verloren liefdespartner. We waren veel samen in de natuur. Vrijen, knuffelen, bloot zonnen, wijntje, gek doen en weer vrijen. Heerlijk. En zo met de zon komen deze herinneringen weer in alle hevigheid terug.

Het is niet eenvoudig. Ik heb niet met veel vrouwen een liefdesklik, maar dat ligt aan mij. Ik ken veel vrouwen en klets met ze, veel, leuk, gezellig, maar meer wil ik niet. Vriendschappelijk. En die paar vrouwen waar ik wel iets moois mee heb gekregen, verdwijnen uit mijn leven.
Bijna drie jaar geleden overleed mijn toenmalige liefdespartner. Na een tijd van rouw kwam ik mijn nieuwe lieve laatste liefdespartner tegen. We begonnen langzaam en het was zo mooi. Ze nam acties tot het scheidingsproces en we groeiden naar elkaar toe, deden veel. Echte liefde. Zie mijn laatste verhaal hoe dit eindigde.

Ik ben nog steeds verdrietig als ik er aan denk. Ik mis haar heel erg. We konden heerlijke gesprekken voeren, reflecteren, genegenheid delen, serieus zijn, lol, respect, vertrouwen, liefde bedrijven, aandacht en liefde delen. Voor mij de ingrediënten voor een goede relatie.

Helaas kwam haar aanstaande ex man weer tussenbeide. Ik kreeg er de laatste paar maanden steeds vaker nachtmerries van tot het mij te veel werd. Ik kon niet meer functioneren. En toen heb ik als minnaar, want zo ben ik me in de laatste maanden gaan voelen, de knoop doorgehakt. Liefdespartner-ja minnaar-nee. Als ze dan weer naar huis reed was ik voor mijn gevoel uit beeld. Behalve die lieve berichtjes.

Moet je voorstellen. Na een heerlijke dag samen fijne dingen doen en elke keer een super vrijpartij, zie ik haar met een zoen en vlinderkus met een liefdeslach op haar gezicht wegrijden. 1,5 jaar lang. Daarna ging dit veranderen. Ik zag haar steeds minder en ze ging weer meer ondernemen met haar aanstaande ex man. Ik werd er verdrietig van. Het voelde dat ik een snoepje voor tussendoor werd, een doosje chocola.

Het maakt me nu nog verdrietig als ik er aan terugdenk en nu nog krijg ik een brok in mijn keel en traan in mijn oog.

En daar sta je dan. Als man met heel veel liefde te geven, niet onaantrekkelijk sta je daar na zoveel maal, opnieuw met lege handen.
Niet een heerlijk lichaam om in de nacht tegenaan te kruipen, een hals om tijdens het koken te zoenen, een partner om op je schoot te trekken om lekker eens samen van de thee te genieten en te praten.
Het is niet eerlijk. Ik baal hier vreselijk van.

Natuurlijk kan ik aan mijn trekken komen als ik dat zou willen. Maar ik wil meer dan alleen lichamelijk. En het frustrerende is dat ik weet dat het er is en dat het kan. Tot tweemaal toe in mijn decennium van gescheiden zijn, heb ik er van mogen proeven. Ik werd weer verliefd en heb opnieuw gevoeld hoe het is om echt van iemand te houden en zij van mij.

Ik leef en heb alles op de automatische piloot. Het liefst leef ik weer meer bewust en zou ik graag weer volledig mezelf willen zijn. Ik ben gelukkig met wat ik heb. Het is alleen niet compleet ook al wil ik me dat zelf graag wijsmaken. Ik kan veel van mijn liefde en belevenissen niet delen, en dat zou me weer compleet kunnen maken.

Ik prijs de dag dat er weer een mooie liefdevolle vrouw in mijn leven langs komt lopen. Onverwacht en not expected. Maar nu nog doorgaan met ademhalen en genieten van het mooie weer.

Lekkendhart's blog
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Ma, 09/03/2015 - 12:34 — Dirk30

@lekkendhart

Ik ken het!!! Was ook minnaar, wilde ook niet op een tweede plaats komen. De zon die herinneringen roept. Het gevoel van alleen te staan wetende dat je veel te bieden hebt. Die ene persoon die je eigenlijk wil er ook niet meer is. Het meer willen dan alleen maar sex. De dagelijkse vragen die in je hoofd malen. Het denken aan hoe het een jaar geleden wel goed was. De leuke gesprekken met die ene. De up en downmomenten. Ik kan geen raad geven maar ik kan je zeggen: IK KEN HET.

Succes en sterkte

Don, 12/03/2015 - 12:42 — Lekkendhart

Dankje. Jij ook sterkte.

Don, 12/03/2015 - 12:41 — Lekkendhart

It still hurts and denying every tear

You and me, we made a vow
For better or for worse
I can't believe you let me down
But the proof's in the way it hurts

For months on end I've had my doubts
Denying every tear
I wish this would be over now
But I know that I still need you here

[Chorus:]
You say I'm crazy
'Cause you don't think I know what you've done
But when you call me baby
I know I'm not the only one

You've been so unavailable
Now sadly I know why
Your heart is unobtainable
Even though Lord knows you kept mine

[Chorus:]
You say I'm crazy
'Cause you don't think I know what you've done
But when you call me baby
I know I'm not the only one

I have loved you for many years
Maybe I am just not enough
You've made me realize my deepest fear
By lying and tearing us up

[Chorus 2x:]
You say I'm crazy
'Cause you don't think I know what you've done
But when you call me baby
I know I'm not the only one

I know I'm not the only one
I know I'm not the only one
And I know...
I know I'm not the only one

Don, 12/03/2015 - 12:47 — Lekkendhart

And darling I will be loving you 'til we're 140

When your looks don't work like they used to before
And I can't sweep you off of your feet
Will your mouth still remember the taste of my love
Will your eyes still smile from your cheeks

And darling I will be loving you 'til we're 70
And baby my heart could still fall as hard at 23
And I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways
Maybe just the touch of a hand
Oh me I fall in love with you every single day
And I just wanna tell you I am

So honey now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Place your head on my beating heart
I'm thinking out loud
Maybe we found love right where we are

When my hair's all but gone and my memory fades
And the crowds don't remember my name
When my hands don't play the strings the same way, mm
I know you will still love me the same

'Cause honey your soul can never grow old, it's evergreen
Baby your smile's forever in my mind and memory

I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways
Maybe it's all part of a plan
I'll just keep on making the same mistakes
Hoping that you'll understand

But baby now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Place your head on my beating heart
I'm thinking out loud
That maybe we found love right where we are, oh

So baby now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Oh darling, place your head on my beating heart
I'm thinking out loud
That maybe we found love right where we are

Oh maybe we found love right where we are
And we found love right where we are

Don, 12/03/2015 - 19:56 — Lekkendhart

The first time ever i

Don, 12/03/2015 - 20:45 — Lekkendhart

Nobody said it was easy

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
And tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, and nurse me your questions
Oh lets go back to the start.

Running in circles, coming in tails
Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
And tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the stars.

Running in circles, chasing tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start

Don, 12/03/2015 - 20:49 — Lekkendhart

could be your biggest mistake

What if there was no lie
Nothing wrong, nothing right
What if there was no time
And no reason, or rhyme
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life
What if I got it wrong
And no poem or song
Could put right what I got wrong
Or make you feel I belong

What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life

Ooh ooh-ooh, that's right
Let's take a breath, jump over the side
Ooh ooh-ooh, that's right
How can you know it, if you don't even try
Ooh ooh-ooh, that's right

Every step that you take
Could be your biggest mistake
It could bend or it could break
That's the risk that you take

What if you should decide
That you don't want me there in your life
That you don't want me there by your side

Ooh ooh-ooh, that's right
Let's take a breath, jump over the side
Ooh ooh-ooh, that's right
How can you know when you don't even try
Ooh ooh-ooh, that's right

Oh - Ooh ooh-ooh, that's right,
Let's take a breath, jump over the side.
Ooh ooh-ooh, that's right,
You know that darkness always turns into light.
Ooh-ooh, that's right

Don, 12/03/2015 - 21:04 — Lekkendhart

Somebody to love

Don, 12/03/2015 - 21:11 — Lekkendhart

i'll be seeing you

Don, 12/03/2015 - 21:31 — Lekkendhart

The other man

The other man finds time to answer to her mails
The other man is perfect where his rival fails
And he's never seen with paint spots on his arms

The other man enchantes his clothes with masculine perfume
The other man keeps fresh bought strawberries in each room
There are never toys that's scattered everywhere

And when his baby comes to call
She'll find him waiting like a lonesome king
'Cause when he's by her side
It's such a change from old routine

But the other man will always drank himself to sleep
The other man will never have his love to keep
And as the years go by the other man
Will spend his life alone

Don, 12/03/2015 - 21:40 — Lekkendhart

No, I can't get it out of my head

Midnight, on the water
I saw the ocean's daughter
Walking on a wave's chicane
Staring as she called my name

And I can't get it out of my head
No, I can't get it out of my head
Now my old world is gone for dead
'Cause I can't get it out of my head

Breakdown on the shoreline
Can't move, it's an ebbtide
Morning, don't get here tonight
Searching for her silver light

And I can't get it out of my head

No, I can't get it out of my head
Now my old world is gone for dead
'Cause I can't get it out of my head

Bank job in the city
Robin Hood and William Tell
And Ivanhoe and Lancelot
They don't envy me
Sitting 'til the sun goes down
In dreams the world keeps going 'round and 'round

And I can't get it out of my head
No, I can't get it out of my head
Now my old world is gone for dead
'Cause I can't get it out of my head

Don, 12/03/2015 - 22:09 — Lekkendhart

It's a hard life

I don't want my freedom
There's no reason for living with a broken heart

This is a tricky situation
I've only got myself to blame
It's just a simple fact of life
It can happen to any one

You win - you lose
It's a chance you have to take with love
Oh yeah - I fell in love
But now you say it's over and I'm falling apart

Yeah yeah
It's a hard life
To be true lovers together
To love and live forever in each others hearts
It's a long hard fight
To learn to care for each other
To trust in one another right from the start
When you're in love

I try and mend the broken pieces
Ooh, I try to fight back the tears
Ooh, they say it's just a state of mind
But it happens to everyone

How it hurts (yeah) - deep inside (oh yeah)
When your love has cut you down to size
This life is tough - on your own
Now I'm waiting for something to fall from the skies
I'm waiting for love

Yes it's a hard life
Two lovers together
To love and live forever in each others hearts
It's a long hard fight
To learn to care for each other
To trust in one another - right from the start
When you're in love

Yes it's a hard life
In a world that's filled with sorrow
There are people searching for love in every way
It's a long hard fight
But I'll always live for tomorrow
I'll look back at myself and say I did it for love (ooh)
Yes I did it for love - for love - oh I did it for love

Don, 12/03/2015 - 22:28 — Lekkendhart

It's late - and I'm bleeding deep inside

[Scene 1]
You say you love me
And I hardly know your name
And if I say I love you in the candle light
There's no one but myself to blame
But there's something inside
That's turning my mind away
Oh how I could love you
If I could let you stay

[Chorus:]
It's late - and I'm bleeding deep inside
It's late - is it just my sickly pride
Too late - even now the feeling seems to slip away

So late - though I'm crying I can't help but hear you say
It's late It's late It's late
But not too late

[Scene 2]
The way you love me
Is the sweetest love around
But after all this time
The more I'm trying
The more I seem to let you down
Now you tell me you're leaving
And I just can't believe it's true
Oh you know that I can love you
Though you know I can't be true

Don, 12/03/2015 - 22:50 — Lekkendhart

Who needs you

Don, 12/03/2015 - 23:04 — Lekkendhart

My Melancholy Blues

Vrij, 13/03/2015 - 11:11 — waterman

LekkendHart: Melancholie....

The plan it wasn't much of a plan
I just started walking
I had enough of this old town
And nothing else to do
It was one of those nights
You wonder how nobody died
We started talking
You didn't come here to have fun
You said: "well I just came for you"

Do you still love me?
Do you feel the same
Do I have a chance
Of doing that old dance
With someone I've been
Pushing away

And touch we touched the soul
The very soul, the soul of what we were then
With the old schemes of shattered dreams
Lying on the floor
You looked at me
No more than sympathy
My lies you have heard them
My stories you have laughed with
My clothes you have torn

And do you still love me?
Do you feel the same
And do I have a chance
Of doing that old dance again
Is it too late for some of that romance again
Let's go away, we'll never have the chance again

You lost that feeling
You want it again
More than I'm feeling
You'll never get
You had a go at
All that you know
You lost that feeling
So come down and show

Don't say goodbye
Let accusations fly
Like in that movie
You know the one where Martin Sheen
Waves his arm to the girl on the street
I once told a friend
That nothing really ends
No-one can prove it
So I'm asking you now
Could it possibly be
That you still love me?
And do you feel the same
Do I have a chance
Of doing that old dance again
Or is it too late for some of that romance again
Let's go away, we'll never have the chance again

I take it all from you
I take it all from you
I take it all from you
I take it all from you

I take it all from you
I take it all from you

Heeeeel veel sterkte!
Waterman

Vrij, 13/03/2015 - 13:37 — Lekkendhart